No more tears
NOVEMBER 22, 2014
I believe it is possible for the human body to run out of tears.
Last night was my sons NICU discharge. After five months…he came home. We were at the NICU packing all of our sons belongings. Getting all the final paperwork signed. .taking photos of everyone who ever cared for Matthew. And although it was weighing heavy on my heart..I couldn’t cry.
While saying goodbye to everyone at the NICU, I was just so focused on getting home.. my mind was somewhere else. I WANTED to cry. I really did. But I just couldn’t. One of Matthew’s nurses and doctor shed a few tears..and I STILL couldn’t.
For 8 months I think I cried almost every single day. From when I found out something was wrong with our son.. 4 months pregnant.. to now..the twins are 5 months old.
Days upon days would go by where I couldn’t STOP crying. I’d see a picture or Facebook status of all the pregnant ladies having beautiful maternity photos taken.. I was wondering if it would even be worth it for me. Ladies were showing off their ultrasound pics.. I was tucking them away so I wouldn’t have to be reminded that something was wrong. Photos of beautiful lavish baby showers.. but for me, this pregnancy wasn’t something to be celebrated. And even at a surprise shower my family so lovingly threw for me, many friends who were invited didn’t show up because they weren’t even sure if I should have one.
And then there were the newborn pics… the only pictures I was ever able to take of the twins were with tubes and wires.
I cried out of jealousy. I cried because it was unfair. I cried because the twins deserved better.. and I cried because I couldn’t give it to them.
And then there were the days that I cried out of gratefulness. I cried out of relief. I cried for joy. I cried with PRAISE. I even cried happy tears a couple times.
I cried.. and sometimes for no reason at all. I cried.
So here we are..five months after the twins were born.. so much has happened. And here I am… I can’t cry. My heart is filled with so many emotions. I FEEL the need to cry..I WANT to cry… but I have no tears.
It’s the weirdest feeling in the world…
I have no more tears.
Blessings to u all♡