written on JANUARY 6, 2015
Who knows what God’s plan is. Who really knows? Does anyone what His plan is for you? Anyone? If you do, how do you know? How did you find out what it was?
I sit here, in my bed, in the middle of the night… I can’t sleep. This has been going on for the past few nights now. I have been living off of 3-4 hours sleep a night. I don’t really know why. I am just not tired. I don’t think I am going to miss anything; everyone is asleep, except me.
In these wakeful, restless hours, I find myself thinking about my future. I have been thinking about the past. Thinking about this past year, especially. Trying to find the direction I was going in. Trying to keep hold of my Faith.
I remember months ago my life was fueled by God’s Power. His faithfulness, His mercy, His Grace. It was what fueled my life..my heart. I had no other choice but to put all my faith into Him and just believe. I had to believe that my son was going to live. I had to believe that our family was going to make it through the tragedy of sick babies. I had to believe that I would survive this… that my marriage would survive this… that our family would survive this. I had to believe… I had no other choice BUT to believe. God was all I had. He was all that was getting me through.
And now here we are… my son has been out of the NICU for two months… our family has literally just been floating in the water. We have made it this far… but I am getting kind of tired. We got through the Christmas holidays. We thankfully received a lot of donated gifts for our children. (Thank God for angels on earth.) We received a good amount of gift cards to places where I can use those cards for groceries. (Thank God for gift cards.)
And here I am, on the fifth day of the year… Lord, I am tired.
There are so many questions in my head…. so many that I actually, literally, get dizzy thinking about them. This wasn’t what we had planned. God was supposed to give my husband his job back this month and we were going to catch up on bills, we were supposed to finally get a little normalcy in our home… but once again, God has shown us that it isn’t up to us. My husband going back to work wasn’t in His plan. Me staying home may not be in His plan.
Is this ANOTHER test for me? Perhaps. Maybe my test was never over. Maybe I never passed my first test.. or my second test.. or any test. Maybe our fight was never over. Maybe my “season” is still going on.
I honestly don’t know what God has planned for me. After today… I am the most confused I have been in a long time. I want to crawl back in His hands so He can keep carrying me. I feel like I am standing still… staring at a never ending horizon. There is nothing in front of me but an ocean. Ripples in the water… and that darn never ending horizon.
But I know I will be fine as long God is carrying me… so Lord, I’m holding on.