Written on AUGUST 2, 2015
I stand outside my sons hospital room. Trying to use my super mom xray vision. I can hear him crying in there. I know his cries. Today’s cry’s are pain cry’s. There is a team of doctors and nurses hovering my sons bed.. using an ultrasound to try and find a vein. All he needs is an IV. But even for him, it has to be difficult.
I am so tired. I am so tired of him going through so much. He’s only one years old. He is stronger than any person, big or small, that I know.
He should be crawling around and getting into mischief with his twin sister. He should be trying to walk now.. learning to eat big people food. He shouldn’t have to have 10 surgeries under his belt at one years old. He shouldn’t be poked and prodded every week. He shouldn’t be hooked up to a machine everyday of his life.
I just want to scream!! Stop! Timeout!! He needs a break! I need a break! Our family needs a break.
My break is me standing outside the room. I can still hear him whimper. I can hear his “sad” cry… his “pain”
…his “where is my mama” cry. In order for me to take a break, I have to still hear him cry. I think, in this moment while I stand outside typing this… this isn’t fair. Why does he have to go through this? Why does he have to hurt? Why does he have to be subjected to things that most adults will never ever see? Why my son… my only son??? Why me? Why our family? Why here? And why now?
I know I have said that I NEVER ask WHY!! And I usually don’t. But having to stand in this hallway while my son is being “tortured” has brought out the worst in me. I want to break through this wall, pick him up and run away with him. I want to make it all better. I want to be his super hero. I want to be his super mom. But I can’t. I can’t save him. I can’t stop his pain. I can’t stop his crying and today it just seems like I can’t even comfort him. I am so sad and frustrated.
I remember going through our NICU journey ad my heart just having this constant stabbing pain, right in the middle of my heart. I can feel, like, an ice-pick just stabbing me and goingdeeper and deeper each day my twins were in the NICU. And here we are now… that pain has returned.
I see the doctors shaking their head in frustration at my son. Frustration at his body failing him. I know that feeling all too well.
Was just told that they got the IV in and once he is cleaned up then I can go inside.
I pray that GOD gives me the power to comfort my son. Lord, help me do what my son needs. Help me and give me the strength to be strong for him.