Death. It has followed us around for the past 2 years.It has appeared in my life on a daily basis. It is the evil that lurks and takes advantage of our weaknesses. It stands behind us and takes a step each time we do. It follows us and waits for the chance to steal our joy, to steal our life…. to steal my baby’s life.
These last few months death has been all around us. Death has taken the babies of three really good friends of ours. Death has taken away another young little girl last night and it is pulling at another baby right now as I type this.
My heart hurts for these mothers. To have their baby’s taken from this earth. Taken from them..from their arms. How does a mother go on after that? How is she supposed to just keep going?
Somehow, they do. The mother’s I have been through this with, have just kept going. They can’t tell me how, they can’t describe what is inside them that helps them… they just do. I believe it is because of the countless of prayers so many have for these mothers. I believe to keep going is just at the core of their beings. So strong, so tough, so intensely loving and so full of life…. their bodies and minds don’t allow them to slow down. Their spirits may be broken and their hearts may be in pieces, but somehow they will keep going.
I think this is why, for me, I can’t cry anymore. I have stared death in the face on so many different occasions and at so many stages of my sons life. The paralyzing fear that comes over you when you are first introduced to death…. there is no other feeling like it. The overwhelming feeling of helplessness when death is standing at your side. You know it’s there, you feel its breath over your shoulder. It keeps poking at you and poking at you, time and time again. Death makes me angry. Our babies shouldn’t have to face death. Our babies shouldn’t be in pain. Our babies shouldn’t have to endure this evilness that lurks, that consumes their bodies, that cripples them and takes over.
I never ask God why. It is not my place to. So many don’t know me well enough to know that I rely on God for everything. Yes, that is the kind of faith that I have. I believe God has a plan for me, my family and my son. I believe my son was stricken with this incurable disease for a reason. I believe it was teach me to believe more in His Promises. I believe my son has a purpose in his little life. I believe it was to draw us all closer to God. To show the world that miracles DO happen. I believe my son is going to grow up and bring hundreds, if not thousands of people to the Lord. I believe my purpose is to continue telling the world how my son has survived and how far he has come and to give hope to other moms. Encourage others to have faith. Believe in His miracles. But to also trust that no matter what happens, it is God’s Will. Whether my baby passes and enters those gates in Heaven, or if he stays here on earth… it is God’s Will… it is something that took a long time for me to understand. But the second I let go and gave it to God completely an purely… I felt God’s plan for us.
There once was a time that I lost all control of myself, my being, my emotions and my spirit once and I did ask God why. Why did you to do this to my baby?? My baby? Why don’t you have a cure for his disease? Why would you allow this to happen?? Aren’t we good people? Haven’t we lived and done as you asked of us? We go to church… we love you, we believe your word, we trust you… why??? Why did you do this to us??
But it was only once that I asked that. He quickly showed me a vision of my son. He showed me several. And the word that came to me was to Trust In Him. Without going into detail in this post… my son will be well. I believe it with all my heart. I know it… I see it… I believe Him. With God’s Promise, with His word, with His strength and with His Peace, we fend of death every day. We speak Hope, Faith, Joy and Life into our son and into our children every day. God’s Love surrounds us. We no longer fear death….
I pray for these mothers on a daily basis. To bless their hearts, to bring them peace and understanding. I pray they draw close to you and hold on to your word. I pray they find your face when thinking of their babies. We know you have them there safe in your arms, playing joyfully and pain free and without any disease in their bodies. Give them wisdom, Lord. Give them your strength and surround them with your Peace. I am so sorry for their losses.