Waiting for God’s Time.
Watching how God’s plan is playing out.
Praying to get through it all.
This pretty much sums up my life. Since Matthew has been out of the NICU, life has been nothing but waiting, watching and praying.
We wait for God’s Time. Because everything happens in God’s time. When Matthew was discharged from the NICU he got really sick many many times. He had more than a few hospital stays and even had two surgeries. Our family has endured more than any family should. Sometimes I feel it’s not fair. Sometime’s I feel like I am just waiting and waiting and waiting for things to change. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I have to purposely remind myself and say it out loud that this is all in God’s plan. This is all in God’s time. And most days I have to convince myself of this. I call it “Living on Purpose” or “Speaking Life“. Because that’s what I do. I have to Speak Life and do things on purpose. Otherwise I would be a big pile of depression and sadness. And I don’t want that. I have children that look up to me. I have children that look TO ME for guidance in their own lives. And I CHOOSE to be the example for them. So I do whatever I need to do to be better. And I must convince myself of whatever life I want to live.
Is it suppressing my true feelings and not “dealing” with them in a healthy way the way I should?? Quite possibly so. And I even think that, yes, this may not be completely healthy for me. lol. But you know what, it works. It works for me. It helps me. It helps me help my kids and my husband. So that is how I choose to deal for now.
The majority of my time is also spent on sitting back and watching God’s plan play out. Many months and years ago I was promised a little boy. I didn’t ask for all this extra stuff. And I had no idea that having the desires of my heart would be such a challenge to get. But I am grateful. I am so so grateful for what God has blessed us with. I would never change it for anything because I know and believe with everything in me that this is exactly the way our lives are supposed to be playing out. The Lord planned this life for us before my husband and I ever met. I was always meant to be the mother that I am now. I was always meant to have to go through all of this and deal with all of this because the Lord created me this way. Strong enough to handle it. Yes, this sucks every day. (I’m not gonna lie or sugar coat it) But I can handle this. I can do this. Because the Lord planned this all along. God wants His Glory and He is going to get it.
I watch as my son has grown and fought through some terrible days. I have seen my daughters become some pretty amazing kids. My husband has become the Godly man that I have need him to become, the husband that he was always meant to be for me.
And last, but not least, my time is spent praying. I am a praying mother. I pray every day and I pray all day. Literally… ALL DAY. Over the last few years when I came back to Christ, I have spent many many hours studying HIs word and rebuilding my relationship with God. He is my everything. I go to Him for everything I need and everything I want. I go to Him for permission. I go to Him for direction. And I especially go to Him for Peace. I have always said that I am so desperate for Jesus and I am not ashamed to say so. God has brought our son, our family and me through so much.
So, when I say I pray all day, it’s because I talk to God every minute of the day. He is the one I turn to when I wake up.
“Lord let me have a good day.”
He is the one I ask for strength in the morning when I can’t get up. He is the one I ask for help when I am carrying my son and all of his equipment to the hospital 4 days a week,.
“Lord, give strength to do this.”
He is the one that I take comfort in when my children cry or are in pain for any reason.
“Lord help me comfort them and be the mother that I NEED to be to MY children.”
He is the one that I talk to walking down the halls, up and down the elevator, sitting bedside of my son during his treatments, the hour to and from the hospital and finally sitting on the couch after all the kids are in bed and I have a moment to myself.
“Thank you Jesus, Thank You. Thank you. Thank you.”
My conversations with God are real and have no filter. I am no always asking for something and, to be honest, I don’t always say thank you. It’s real.. He is real. And the relationship and conversations I have with God are real. And He is all that I need.
So, as I go through the day -Waiting, watching and Praying – I am always aware of how Blessed I am. How amazing my family and friends are and How Good God is.
Life is a Gift. And I intend on giving God His Glory.