I have a question for God. But I already know the answer. And there are days like today that I just really need to hear His voice.
My question is… When is this going to be over?
Like I said, I already know the answer to that. God’s timing is perfect. I believe that everything happens in God’s perfect timing. He already has our lives planned out. Like a General in the war room. Everything is predestined and set up according to His Will. But I just can’t help and ask.
There are days that I feel we are really just on borrowed time. I know time is not promised. We have never been promised time. And I know we never will be. It is so precious. But every day is like we are playing russian roulette. When will the shot be fired?
Back in February Matthew got a cold from someone that was so enamored with him, they just needed to hold him. What I didnt know until conversations over dinner was that they had been sick with the flu the week prior. I think my face may have instantly turned bright red or somehow turned into mama beast because there was this sudden awkward silence after I asked, “You were seriously sick last week?!” ….maybe I need to learn to control my emotions more, but a cold to my son is potential for death. And that is NOT me being sarcastic or over-exaggerating. He can die from a cold. It has almost happened more than a few times.
My mind was racing and I was done with dinner. I was done with the night and at the time I was angry at my friends. No one understands that a simple sniffle in our house means so much fear and anxiety in me. It means weeks and months of sickness for my son. But no one understands that. No one sees that. I have learned to hide it well. I am not used to being the vulnerable one. The leader of the pack isn’t allowed to break. Mama Bear doesn’t cry. But the worry that came over me over that dinner… overwhelming.
Fast forward to last week… Matthew got a fever. His cough had been getting worse and worse. Then suddenly he has a 102 fever.
Fever means infection somewhere in his body. Fever means sickness. Fever means medications, tests and antibiotics. Fever means hospital stay. And twice last year, Fever meant possible death.
It was a long week of worry. It was a long week of antibiotics. Long week of just waiting. And unfortunately here we are… still waiting for Matthew to get better. He is home now, but now he needs his breathing treatments twice a day. Now the worry is his lungs. Now we anticipate every dialysis day his lungs being filled with fluid. It’s been stressful.
Then we had an appointment with a urologist. And that news was just as ridiculous. I dont feel like talking about it at this moment, but just know, it was not good.
So my initial question to God… When is this going to be over? … I know I have no place to ask. I know I need to just bow my head and endure everything that comes along. But I am so tired. I’m tired…..
I’m so tired….