Sometimes I wish people can see what life is like for us. Every day is a good day…. but every day kind of sucks too. I want to be real honest in this post because it is something I constantly battle with… coming to terms and acknowledging what life is really like for us. It is not easy. And there are days where I just ask God to keep me going. Somehow, some way- please just get me through the day.
The first year that Matthew was home from the NICU, it really traumatized me to the core of my motherhood. My son was born prematurely and has a chronic illness. His first year of life we were literally sitting at the edge of a cliff. Just sitting. Staring down into the abyss of death and looking into the horizon of life. And all we could do was sit and wait.
I did the best I can do as a mother. I remember all that I was trained to do to take care of my son. I had five months in the NICU to learn… and learn I did!! On the days that I fired TWO home nurses that were supposed to KNOW how to take care of my son, I both cried in anger and laughed because there really is no one like mommy. Mommy did it best. And that is how it has been. I have done it all. And I will continue to do it all.
Because of last year’s drama, I don’t know if I want to let the world in yet. And then there was the whole “miracle baby” fiasco a few months back. I am weary on letting people in. I don’t want people to know what I think about. I don’t people to know how we live. I dn’t want anyone to know our life. No matter how good or bad it is… I feel that if I start letting people know about this blog, then people will judge again. And I am just not ready for that.
And then I get all sad because I have no friends and no one to talk to but then I remember… I don’t want that. I do… but I don’t. Honestly, I just want to put my head down and keep going. I just need to get through this. I need to keep going. I need to write and write and just get through the bump. I am sad and bummed because of what life is throwing at us… but it doesn’t mean it is a horrible life. We have a home, a car, amazing kids and we are blessed. It is just harder than others’ lives.
And right now we are on the downhill dip of the roller coaster. And it is not fun. This roller coaster I spoke about when Matthew was first discharged really sucks. Year one was horrible. Year two… not any better. But I don’t want pity. I really don’t. I just needed to vent. I wanted to write about how much this life really sucks right now.
Imagine a migraine that never goes away. It hurts, it makes you dizzy and nauseous, and you feel like you just can’t live life because it is just totally making you crazy. Now imagine when you take just one tablet of advil or something for the pain. Just something tot ake the edge off this horrible pain. And not only head pain, but eye pain, neck pain, back pain and losing your appetite. Imagine that pain being numbed…. not gone, but numb. It is still there… does not go away. It won’t go away. But you can at least function a little.
THAT is the perfect analogy for how life is right now. A numbing migraine. A downhill dip.