I have a big family. I have a lot of kids that are different ages. I have high school kids, elementary school kids and babies. I know a lot of people. And I am really busy all the time. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t like being invited.
Before having our twins and before the diagnosis, we were a very social family. My girls had a lot of friends that would come over or they would go to their houses. My husband had his group of guy friends that he would go out once a month. I had my girl friends that I would go out with once a month. And then we had our church family who we would be involved with in every aspect of church. Kids ministry, music, worship ministry. We did a lot. We were always on the run but it worked for us. It was fun and chaotic and we were all living life. We were all loving life.
But then our lives changed with one doctors visit….with one ultrasound picture that we will never be able to forget. Diagnosis day, March 2014. Suddenly I was thrown into this dark world and I had no idea how to deal with it. I had no idea how I had even gotten there to be the smallest bit of prepared to deal with it. What the heck was happening?! What am I supposed to do??!!
I adjusted to this dark and scary new world. I accustomed myself to bad news during our pregnancy. We had ultrasounds and doctors appointments twice a week and during each appointment we were told worse and worse news. It was never anything good or hopeful. I was a mess. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry. The only place I wanted to be was at home. I wanted to hide from the world. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to have to explain anything to anyone. Every time I would walk out of this house I was always confronted by people with such beautiful intentions… rubbing my belly and loving on these babies that were in the midst of their creation. Pregnancies are supposed to be beautiful. Carrying a child is supposed to be one of the most amazing miracles someone can be a part of. But at the time, this pregnancy wasn’t anything I wanted to celebrate. So in order to avoid everyone from being happy about this pregnancy or me having to explain why I am upset when someone smiles at me or rubs my belly…. I stayed home. I went nowhere.I avoided any kind of human contact. Other than my girls and my husband and the occasional church service, I no longer wanted live. I don’t mean I wanted to hurt myself or to die… I have daughters I have to raise… but I wanted nothing to do with outside life.
As I shut myself in and shut everyone else out, I suddenly became a hermit. My friends would invite and invite but I just would not go. My girls would ask for friends to come over and I would just say no. People would come to visit but I just didn’t feel up to talking or conversing. I was numb. I was sad. And I just couldn’t be any kind of social. I was in such a dark place I didn’t realize what I was doing to myself, my family, my kids or my friends. I was shutting them all out.
Fast forward to two years and I have absolutely no one to talk to. Except my husband… I still have him. But even he I don’t let it all out to. I am so afraid of him thinking I am crazy or clinical… I can’t talk to him the way I need to talk to someone. He has already almost admitted me once during one of my breakdowns. And as far as online support groups, I have separated myself from them as well…. even the moms that I can call friends. Some of those “friends” have lost their babies… and being around their sadness and grief just gives me more grief and sadness. I have written a couple posts about a couple of those moms. One mom was so mean about my son still being alive because her son didn’t make it. How do I apologize for my son still being alive?? This guilt… this survivors guilt… I just can’t deal with it. So I have shut myself out from those moms as well.
I am starting to really hate facebook. All I ever see on there are photos and events that all my “Friends” get to go to and be a part of. Photos that I used to be in. Events that I used to go to. Now I don’t even know about anything until I see photos of them. And I realize more and more each day that I am left. out. I am left out from the joy, the fun, the happiness…. from life. I am not living life the way I am suppose. I am left out. My kids are left out. My family is always left out….
I hope that the Lord can continue to work through me and help me and my family become the fun and social family we used to be. God gave us life and we used to enjoy it to the fullest. Life was meant to lived happily and full with the Joy of the Lord. I pray to get back to that.