I wrote a previous post about how I asked God “How much longer of this…?” I was sitting on the floor next to my sons crib just watching his chest rise and fall throughout the night. I was making sure he was continually breathing. He was so sick and congested he was struggling with every breath he took. I was scared that he would stop breathing. I was so scared that if I had fallen asleep, I wouldn’t hear him cough and try to clear his throat. I was so worried that he would simply just not be able to breathe and I would be asleep when he took his last breath. I found myself in the same exact position that I was in last year. Matthew being so sick and me just sitting on the floor watching and waiting.
When I was on the floor and I realized where I was, I cried. Finally…. I cried. I cried silently and I cried hard. I finally just let it go. And I asked God, “How much longer? How much longer are we going to go through this? How much longer is he going to be sick? How much more of this are you going to make us go through all of this? How much longer is Matthew going to be sick?? How much longer are you going to make ME go through this??”
I continued praying and calling out to God. I needed Him to comfort me. I needed Him to tell me that it was going to be okay. I needed Him to tell me how much longer because I felt like i just need to be prepared. I need to know. I need to hear His voice. Give me an answer. Lord!!
After a few minutes of just crying and letting go, I was finally able to calm down. I began to receive the Peace that I needed. I was able to rest in knowing that God was with me. He didn’t speak to me at that moment but I felt His presence. I felt He was holding me and calming me down. A couple days later we had bible study at church. Tuesdays Bible Study is the only time I am able to go to church because on Sundays, Matthew has dialysis. I have been going through such a depressive funk that I have been sitting in the back, to the side. Been feeling very anti social.
After the bible study, Pastor does a prayer for whoever needs it. And he said something that was so outrageous and caught me off guard. Pastor began saying…. “there is someone here that has a question for God. Someone here is asking God a very important question.”
I froze. I lost my breath. I was in such shock that God told Pastor I had a question for Him. I was begging God to just tell me how much longer!!! And God told my Pastor on me! It sounds kind of funny as I am telling you this right now because God told on me. lol…
Then Pastor said, “if you have a question for God, come up to the front. Come to the altar because He has an answer for you.” My body suddenly felt like it was a big block of cement. I don’t know if it was my pride or the devil holding me down. But I could NOT get up. My heart was pounding so hard and so fast. And I felt like I could not move. I wanted to but I couldn’t. I literally and physically couldn’t stand or move.
Then a couple of people stood up and walked to the front. Pastor prayed for them and I thought that was going to be it. But before Pastor concluded he said, “there is still someone that has a question for God. And He told me to tell you, “Soon. Soon you will get an answer. Just keep holding on.”
A few days later on Friday Matthew had an appointment with his urologist. What we expected to hear was that Matthew was going to have a couple more procedures on his bladder. We were going to fix his bladder, make sure it works and then he would be ready for his kidney transplant. And once he has his new kidney that would be it. There wasn’t supposed to be anything else going on. There wasn’t supposed to be any other problems. Kidney transplant was it. No other procedures and no other worries. He would be healed just as God Promised. And then we would go back to our “normal” lives and we would’t be going through any of this any more. No more money problems, no more doctors appointments, except follow ups, no more worry, no more fear, no more problems!!
But one thing that I seemed to have forgotten was that everything happens in God’s perfect time. And I had asked God, so desperately, to tell me how much longer this was going to be…
The urologist explained that, yes, Matthew was going to need a couple more procedures. A VCUG to check bladder pressure and function will be the first one. The next procedure after that would be a scope of his bladder. Depending on what the VCUG shows, he will need to put a scope in there to see how damaged his bladder is. And based on his last scope, he will need a bladder augment. But because Matthew is so small and fragile, he would not do an augment until Matthew is about 4 or 5 years old. So until then, we will have to catheterize him. During the scope procedure they will ablate his valves to where hopefully he will urinate like a normal boy. They will then finally do his circumcision and they will also do a mitronoff. A mitronoff (SP?) is where, instead of having the vesicostomy, they will make an entry and exit with a tube from his bladder through his belly button. And instead of cathing through his penis, we will be able to do it through his belly button. It is less invasive and less painful. The doctor will close his vesicostomy.
He said all of this he will do before his kidney transplant. We want to make sure there is going to be a way for his urine to come out and NOT reflux into his kidneys. He said he thinks it would be too much for him to have an augment at such a small size and young age. So that is why we have to wait for a few more years.
I am going to admit, it felt like I got punched in the gut and I lost my breathe. A few more years of this… A few more years of the worry, the painful procedures, doctors appointments, and the unknowns. A few more years of sitting on ledge of infections and rejections. I was devastated.
But then I remembered I had asked God this important questions…. how much longer of this are we going to have to take??? He answered me. He gave me a timeline of what will be happening and He even gave me a date of how many more years we will have to endure this. Three more years…
ok God…………… ok.