Matthew just turned two years old and today he goes in for his 12th surgery… 13 that I can count in my head. I am actually pretty sure this is like the 14th or 15th… but to be honest and sure of the ones I know… this is his 12th.
The feeling of the initial freak out is still the same. The news doesn’t come easy. No matter how many times I have heard “bad news” …the initial freak out always appears. I can literally feel my blood pressure rise to my head. For a moment I get dizzy and lose my breath. The few seconds after this blood pressure rise I usually recover quickly. I consciously breath in and out and try to put everything into perspective. My brain begins analyzing the news, whatever it is, and starts placing the information in the part of my brain where I begin to logically process the words the doctors are saying.
It is the weirdest feeling in the world to feel when my brain processes important “freak out” worthy information. Almost like playing chess. Like how I picture the Hand of God moving. This goes here, that goes there, put this here and let’s keep focused in this and not that. That’s how I process information.
But then there are the feelings I get after the processing. My heart always sinks and it feels like I just went down a dip on the roller coaster. I always feel sad initially. Sad that my son has to go through all of this. Sad that he has to endure so much pain and discomfort. Sad that I am the one leaving him in the hands of a stranger. Sad that mommy sometimes just can’t make it better.
I will admit, there is an itty-bitty bit of worry and concern. Only because I’m a mom and I think it comes natural for us moms to worry a bit. And I think that is absolutely okay. We are human. We are moms. We feel emotions a lot stronger than most. And this surgery, being Matthew’s 12th, doesn’t change how hard it is to deal with. I still do my best at making him laugh and smile with this huge lump in my throat. I use all my strength to NOT cry in front of him. And as he is carried off by the anesthesiologist I stand and watch as they turn the corner. I hope that Matthew would turn and look at me and wave bye-bye but at the same time I pray he doesn’t see me get further and further away. I am happy and heartbroken when they disappear from sight. And then I am left empty. I have to go to the waiting room and give it all to God.
I do what I can to keep my mind occupied. I can’t help but think for a second that right about now the doctor is placing a mask over my sons face and he will soon fall fast asleep. I pray he dreams with his angels. And I wait.
This day is no different. Except an amazing thing happened while I was in the waiting room. As I was reading my Bible (I am currently studying the Book of Job) this overwhelming feeling came over me. Such warmth, such excitement, such Joy and amazement. I felt warm all over my body. My heart started pounding and the Lord gave me a word. He said “Miracles.” When I heard that I knew exactly what it meant. He was going to show us one of His greatest Miracles.
I, of course, went straight to Facebook and shared the feeling I had. I said :
“so, Im sitting in the waiting room… I’m studying the book of Job.. and Im receiving so many words of encouragement. And the Lord gave me this overwhelming feeling. This vision. He is working a Miracle!!! There’s no doubt about it!! I am so excited. I know what doctors say and that’s fine, they can say what is …but the Hand of God has moved. And His presence here is so Powerful. God is so Good. I just had to share. Thank you all so much. xoxoxo#ToGODBeTheGlory #MatthewsMiracles #OnTheRoadToAKidney”
I knew God was working a Miracle, I just didn’t know what it was going to be.
Almost two hours later, Matthew was out of surgery. And we were called back. He was really groggy and having a really really hard time coming off of the anesthesia. He was no fun at all. He was jumping and kicking and arching his back. He was punching and fighting and screaming and crying. But what really set ME off and Mama Bear come full force was the fact that they hadn’t even given him pain meds yet. Typical though. I understand… they don’t give pain meds until it is “needed”. But come on, common sense people, he literally juuuust got out of surgery. Give him some meds before he wakes up please!! It will make like so much easier on me and him and even YOU!!
It was so hard to control him. Matthew is 22 pounds!! He is a big boy. Holding him down is not an ideal thing to do. It was so hard that I even asked to give him something to re-sedate him. Put him back to sleep please!! And I knew he was in pain and my heart just broke. It is an awful awful feeling to look at your child and see his eyes off in lala land. He was not making any eye contact. His brain was not even there. It is an awful feeling and a horrible sight. I, unfortunately, will never get that out of my memory.
Matthew was thrashing around so badly that he ripped out his IV. By the Grace of God, though, he had TWO IV’s in. One they were using and one for just in case. How crazy is that?! I spoke with the anesthesiologist and she said her and the NP were looking at both his arms for veins. She said they both poked and both got IVs at the same time. And she said she had a feeling and thought, “Let’s just keep both IV’s in.” She said normally they would take one out and leave the patient with one, but today she just had a feeling. I told her, “That was God.” And she nodded and thought about it and said, “Yeah, maybe it was.”
Matthew calmed down and fell back asleep once the pain meds were given. We waited for almost two hours for him to be stable and we would get the okay to go home. The Urologist, the doctor who did the surgery, came out and described what he did.
He used a scope with a camera and inserted it into his urethra. He said that when he went in, he saw small little flaps of skin at the top of his urethra. He said he expected Matthew’s PUV (blockage) to be a lot worse, but they were just small flaps. So he was able to easily scoop that extra skin off and open up his urethra. So Matthew should now urinate normally.
The doctor then continued into the bladder and looked around. He said, again, that it looked a lot better than expected. He said it was a good shape and that the only thing he can see was a little discoloration at the bottom of his bladder. He said that he believes the only problem he will have will be when he is potty training or as he gets older, he may have some trouble feeling the sensation to pee. He may have a hard time holding it.
Then he conducted the VCUG. Where he would fill the bladder with liquid and see how the bladder performs when it is full. He looks to see if the fluid refluxes into his kidneys. He sees if it will flow easily through his urethra or, in Matthew’s case, his vesicostomy. He said all is well. There is NO reflux into the kidneys, he said the liquid flows great through the vesicostomy and now the urethra.
He said everything looks great!!!
Now let me tell you why this is a miracle. Matthew has undergone a whole lot of tests, ultrasounds and xrays. We have been preparing for Matthew to get a kidney transplant since before he was born. We knew his kidneys were very very bad. We knew his bladder was very very bad. (Read Our Pregnancy or First Diagnosis …Incompatible for Life to catch up) We knew that the underlying reason of all his problems were because of his valves. We knew that he had reflux from his bladder to his kidneys. We knew all of this and had expected and planned to care for Matthew the best way possible even with all of these issues.
We expected to have to catheterize him for years and years. We expected to have surgery and possibly several procedures done to repair his bladder. Surgeries to repair his valves. And all of this was before AND after a kidney transplant. Not only that but they had even mentioned that he may not even BE a good transplant candidate BECAUSE he was so messed up. Everything we were going through was all unknown. All we knew was what all the tests, ultrasounds and xrays had showed us in the past two years. All we know was what was physically there…
And now we have the doctor… the same doctor that gave us this Quality of Life plan… this doctor is now telling us that there isn’t anything wrong with Matthew!! Valves are fine, bladder is fine, no reflux into the kidneys from what he can see…. All Matthew needs is a new kidney and he will be a “normal” little boy. No cathing for the rest of his life, no issues with his bladder, no problems with anything…
I seriously almost fainted when the doctor said all of this. My brain was having such a hard time processing this information. I just couldn’t understand what he was saying. It literally took me about 8 hours to fully understand what the doctor explained.
The Lord prepared and gave us a miracle…. Matthew’s Miracles.