I have been learning that silence is one of my best attributes. I tend to just keep quiet and keep to myself. But it is very very isolating.
I haven’t posted too much lately because I have been dealing with Matthew’s medical issues. The lightning strike of fear that momentarily hits my heart always makes a lasting impression. It sticks around and then all the emotions that run along with fear hang out in my head for a little bit. So it takes me a while to bounce back. I told my Pastor the other day that I feel like I have an emotional hangover. The month of November was intense. Matthew had surgery and some medical hiccups. All of Matthew’s issues along with our own family stuff going and just trying to stay afloat…. it’s been one poopy month.
And now here we are, a week before Christmas…. I am both happy and sad that we are on Day 17 of December. Happy because it is closer to Matthew’s transplant. But sad because I have come to despise Christmas. It isn’t what it used to be. It isn’t fun and festive and carefree and exciting anymore. Not for me, anyway. Christmas never used to be filled with stress or worry or financial issues. I used to start my Christmas shopping in August. I used to have closets and closets of gifts for everyone in my family. And now I wonder how I am going to get at least one thing that kids each want. I feel sad that I can’t buy my husband a gift. I get a little envious of our friends and families when they post photos of their beautifully decorated homes and grande Christmas trees. When everyone else is out shopping and buying without any kind of limit, I am counting coins to buy Matthew’s medications. It’s a really crappy feeling.
I used to be THAT mom. I used to decorate the house house and the tree. I used to have Christmas music in the car , in the house with everything Christmas playing all around us. It was the most precious and special time of year to me. And now I find myself hating the season more and more.
These last few weeks have been some of the most difficult for me as a mama. I haven’t felt like this in a while. I mean, everyday sucks, don’t get me wrong. But I think I have gotten better and better at hiding it. Hiding my depression, hiding my worry and my irritability. I stick a good old fashion smile that I used to genuinely wear and people think I am so strong and am dealing with everything just fine. That works for me.
But now that this season is here… I think I have lost my ability to hide it anymore. And now I absolutely understand the reason people get incredibly depressed and want to run away from life. So I have come to the conclusion that I need to run away and hide for a little bit. I need to keep my distance from people and from the real world. Everything I see on Facebook is so annoying to me. I just need to “chill“.
So I am just going to keep my distance. I deactivated my public facebook page and have vowed to stay off the page that my husband and I share. I diverted my Instagram photos to be shared on my Blog facebook page and I will share updates on Matthew’s Miracles page when the times come. I am keeping my Instagram tho. I love sharing photos. So I will keep that up. But everything else… meaning.. Facebook…I am done!!
So… anywho… I think this post is long enough. I have a few other things I want to write about so I will work on those in the days to come.
Take care all and God Bless.