I am sitting here feeding my son through his G-Tube. When I feed him, it is the only quiet time that I am. I try to put something interesting on television so I can at least watch something while I feed him. Sometimes I am lucky and the twins are falling asleep or pre-occupied with toys or a tablet. And sometimes I get lucky and am able to catch up on either Grey’s Anatomy or watch my favorite movie ‘The Proposal’…which I am doing now because it was on LMN last week and I DVR’d it so I can watch anytime I want!!! lol.
And then there are the times when I am feeding my son that I sit quietly and in silence. Sometimes I talk to God and thank Him for the day and try to just be in the moment. Sometimes I think about the days to come and everything I need to do. And then sometimes I think about all that has transpired and wonder, how the heck did I get here?!!
I don’t ask God WHY anymore. I know WHY!! I understand the WHY!! The WHY is the ONLY thing keeping me going these days. I am still learning and understanding the WHY, but knowing there is a purpose for all of this… that’s what keeps me going.
And I NEED to keep going. I can’t quite over bad days or bad things that happen. I can’t. I can’t afford to. We are in the last leg of this whole thing. We can see the darn finish line. We are almost done with all of this. And I feel like these last few months will be very critical to Matthew’s health. So I feel the Mama Bear in me starting to stand taller and meaner.
So as I sit here quietly, watching Matthew, so oblivious to everything, I soak in the silence and the seconds of peace I have this moment. Because I know soon, my life will once again be chaos.