I have never asked God once, WHY. Why is this happening to us? Why do we have to go through this? Why is He allowing this to happen? Why did He choose us, choose me, for this? Why like this? Why is it so hard? Why does it have to hurt so bad?
I have a deep and strong faith in God and I believe with everything in me that our son has a greater purpose. I believe that we “were made for such a time as this”. (Esther 4:14) I believe we were given the perfect amount of faith to sustain, to fight, to persevere.
There are days when it is so hard and I can barely get out of bed. There are days that I just bow my head and close my eyes and just take that deep breath. I don’t say or do anything, I just wait for God to speak to me. I wait for His voice. I wait for His touch because wherever He guides my heart, it is the right direction. He never fails me.
So why? Why?
These last few months I have really been at my breaking point. There is a lot that goes on that no one really knows about. I am the kind of mom that has my hand and say in every aspect of Matthews care. And when it comes to my other kids, I am trying to balance the same with allowing them to make their own decisions. That’s what a mom does right? Teach, raise, protect, love, guide and let them fly. Matthews care has enveloped me the closer we get to transplant. Partly because I want to make sure he is ready and has everything he needs for this. And partly because once it happens, I know, for a fact, that our life is going to be flipped upside down. And not only do I need to prepare Matthew and myself for that, I need to prepare our girls and the rest of our family for it.
So when I feel like I am already at the edge of this huge cliff… why add more? In the last two weeks, our family was hit big time with something that I will not go into detail about. But it is something that the devil has been trying to take from me for years. Usually I don’t give the devil any kind of credit because he cant touch me. The devil cant touch my kids or my family. But he can try to wreak havoc and pick on us until we give in. And that’s exactly what he did. The Lord has us protected and covered so I am not worried at all about losing my faith or anything else…. but we got hit hard.
And for the first time, I asked God WHY?? Why did this happen? Why did He let it happen? Why didn’t He protect us from the one thing that was supposed to be a for sure thing?? Why?
Being honest, it knocked me down for a bit. It honestly felt like a left hook to the jaw. I was out…. but I was not down for long. I recognized what was happening. I had given my stress, fear and worries to God a long time ago.. and I needed to ask for even more strength than before.
I had to humble myself and finally go to someone that I trust to talk it out with. I could no longer go through all of this by myself. I couldn’t handle it. I needed reinforcements in prayer. I needed someone to hear me out and acknowledge me. (Thank God for my Pastors wife and my sisters)
I know I just need to keep going. I need to just keep holding on. Keep praying and keep my communication with God open and strong. This world is messed up, but I have to keep myself in my faithful little bubble and push my way through.