Ive never been the vulnerable type. Since growing up in the type of home that i did, i have always had a wall up between me and everyone else. I dont let anyone in because, in my experience, everyone eventually hurts you in some form or another.
I dont share my feelings very well and i am not the mushy type. However, i am a romantic at heart. I never thought i was until i once tasted romance. And i never wanted anything less.
For me to break down the wall that has stood strong in front of me for as long as i can remember … life has been difficult and confusing. How do you break a wall down when you know what is on the other side can hurt you? When, what is on the other side of that wall, already has hurt you? How do you move forward towards that painful experience with open arms and hope?
And if you dont move forward… the fear of that pain and that dramatic love being directed somewhere else or to someone else is just as painful. How twisted is that?? To hope for something that has hurt you. To want something so bad that you are willing to break the wall down and make yourself vulnerable and expose yourself to so many possibilities… good or bad.
I dont share many painful and true parts of my life because people dont and wont understand the decisions i make. No one knows the choices i am faced with and its honestly excruciating to think about saying anything outloud. Because when i say it outloud, i have to deal with it… i have to face it. And then ill have to live this already difficult life with peoples opinions and comments pushing and poking me as i fight to move forward.
Me being vulnerable is hard. I let my heart speak to the person that has hurt me the worst and it makes me want to vomit. I allow this person to see me shed tears with fear that this… one of the most important people in my life… wont think im weak or pathetic.
Me being vulnerable is hard…. because im not. And i hate the thought of me being known or seen as weak. Some days i do feel weak… i honestly do, but i am not. And i dont want anyone else to see me as such.
Ive never been the vulnerable type.