I have missed a few weeks of writing. I have been purposely avoiding writing because I felt I needed to actually LIVE IN THESE MOMENTS. I knew I could always go back and update, which I will. I promise. But I wanted to really just FEEL. For once.. FEEL whatever it was that I was going to feel. I didnt want to be numb anymore. I didn’t want to be emotionally detached anymore. I have done enough of that.
For years I have been numb. I have been a zombie, detached from emotions because it was safe that way. Life was safe when you just went through it without feeling sad or scared or worried. It was much easier when you had to make life changing decisions to not feel. The fight or flight scenario. And learning about families and mothers in my circumstance, the fight or flight scenario is something prevalent we go through.
As we got closer and closer to transplant, I didn’t want to be numb anymore. I think because of all the personal problems I was going through, I felt I NEEDED to feel. I felt I NEEDED to finally go through it. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to LIVE IT. I wanted to FEEL it. I wanted my life to finally be real, instead of a dream or nightmare.
The weeks and days leading up to transplant day, I was really in it. I finally let go. I went to the altar one night at church and I just wanted to feel. And the Lord heard me. I cried more than I had ever cried in these past three years. The pain rushed back into my head, my heart and my body. I was feeling it. I was feeling three years of this indescribable ache. It was a physical pain that I had felt before, only this time it was like a cancer that had spread throughout my body. The sharp stabbing pain wasn’t just in my heart like it was when the twins were first born, it was also an overwhelming pain in my head. It felt like my head was swelling with whatever junk was in it. My body ached like I had been hit by a semi truck then thrown in the path of a train. Physically I LOOKED okay, but from the inside out, I thought I was going to die. I had no idea what I had been putting myself through. I had no idea the feelings, emotions and pain I had been suppressing. I understood, that night, why I had been. It was excruciating.
I was coached into taking deep breaths and giving that pain back to God. I was sitting at His feet and I needed to give it back to Him for Him to carry for me. This was all too much for me to go through alone. And, I did. I gave it to God. Those deep breaths helped. Those deep breaths allowed me to release it all to Him.
From that night on (this was about three weeks pre-transplant), I had started feeling it. I began to feel every emotion I had been missing out on. Joy, love, fun, excitement. But with the good, came the bad. I felt worried a few times. I felt scared to death on one occasion. And other occasions, I felt sad, lonely, anxiety, confusion and anger. I had no idea how much of an angry person I was. I became annoyed and angry at a lot of people. But I became especially angry at God. I had no idea the blame I gave Him. For the first time in a long time, I wasn’t lost but I was so confused. I couldn’t understand why God would allow ME to get so hurt. I KNOW He didn’t cause this, because, He has given each of us our own free Will to choose how we live our life and make our own decisions… but I was angry because I got hurt when certain made their own choices. I blamed God for letting ME get hurt. I was angry.
I had to learn to deal with this anger. I still am learning. I have asked for forgiveness for all these emotions every single day. I have felt overwhelmed on many many days. I just don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to handle life.
It has been a fog. A thick white fog. The fog of life. I feel the pressure of life all around me. And as soon as I reach out to touch this fog, it moves away. I can’t feel it. I’m scared to move but I am walking. I’m taking steps forward, at least what I think is forward. I can’t see which direction I’m walking in. I just know I’m walking… I’m moving.
I wonder how long this fog will last. Maybe it is for my own protection. The fog is acting like a cushion for me. To help me deal with things slowly and as they come… I don’t know. I am trying to even enjoy this fog.. cuz I don’t know how life will be when the fog is gone. I have no idea what is beyond this point in life…