I keep wondering how much longer, can I do this… how much harder is this life gonna get… I don’t understand some days and other days I have total clarity. I wonder if its just my emotional detachment that is trying to get put back together or if its my spiritual life holding and fighting this cruel world. its hard to distinguish today.
Today….I don’t understand why things happened and I’m tired.
And no, I’m not talking completely about my son. I’m talking about life. The life that I never knew I was going to live. The life that I didn’t believe I should be living. the experiences I never thought I would ever go through. the decisions I have to make that I never thought I would ever have to make.
this life I am living is unimaginable. I know people have gone through similar and worse things in life, but I never thought MY own life would be so difficult and so ridiculous all at once. Some days I have fight the urge to cry all day. And some days I just laugh because it really IS funny.
People don’t change. History repeats itself and God has a sense of humor. All three things that are my reality.
Today I am trying to figure out the lesson. I want to find an answer of how I am supposed to feel, act, think and BE and I am praying that I just stick with it. The confusion of emotions in my mind and heart is killing me. I cant do this anymore.
I’m asking God today… please just end it.