If God created me to be a leader, an example, a person that people turn to or go to for advice or encouragement…. why did He make it so hard for me to face people?? Why has He allowed this anxiety in me take over my life?? How am I supposed to do what He needs me to do when I am trying my hardest to simply get out of bed?? Why does going to the grocery store make me feel like I am about to be tortured?? Why does it feel like I am about to jump into a pool of hot oil when I have to go somewhere in public?? Why do I get headaches for days before I have a scheduled appearance somewhere?? Why do I stress and stress about what people will think or what people will say or what people will do?
I have been fighting this anxiety for so many years now. But there has come a time now where I have to get up and get out there. I have no choice. I have turned down countless opportunities all because of this anxiety. Chances to be on the radio, television and job opportunities and collaborations that, in a perfect world, would be absolutely amazing!! But I have turned them all down because….. I just can’t.
I have lost countless friends. I have missed birthdays, weddings, funerals and even vacations because…. I just can’t.
I make up excuses in my head. I have cancelled plans last minute. And there have been times where I just did NOT show up for events because even just calling someone to cancel gets to me.
… I just can’t.
Right now I have a couple of amazing opportunities and I am dreading the time that I have to give an answer to these offers. I want to move forward because I HAVE TO. But I am hesitant because.. I am safe in this bubble. This bubble has enveloped me for years now. Everything I ever need is in this bubble. I don’t need to change. I don’t need to move. I don’t need to worry about what people will think of me or what I say or do when I’m in this bubble.
I feel an obligation to move forward. I feel an obligation to share my life and God’s miracles. I feel an obligation to keep talking, and advocating, and sharing my life….
…. but I just can’t.
Anyone else dealt with this???