I have written before about when I had to give my son back to God. Matthew was only three months old and nothing was working to keep him alive. The machines stopped working, his surgical incisions broke and burst, the dialysis catheter was not working, his lungs were slowly being filled with fluid and his brain bleeds were not improving. And we were finally at a crossroads of sorts. It was a night that God was either going to take my son from this earth or save him. And I was the mom who finally had to give in and give him to God.
I didn’t want my son to suffer anymore and I didn’t want to hurt anymore. We were both tired. We were both hurting. We were both ready to let go. I will always remember the ringing alarms going off and the NICU staff running in our room. There was only one baby in the room, other than Matthew. Three other babies in that same room had recently passed away. It felt like Matthew was next.
I was frozen in shock of what I was watching. I couldn’t comprehend. It was a chaos I had seen before but was never this afraid of. Matthew was declining. And with each passing day he was slowly dying. Life was escaping as his little body couldn’t handle fighting anymore. I knew this was the night.
I remember a nurse walking towards me and sitting me down on a stool across the room. After a few moments I jumped up and ran out of the room and into the hallway. My head was spinning and I could barely see straight. I wanted to talk to my husband but I had ran out without grabbing any of my belongings. I went to the front desk and called my husband from the unit phone. I told him what was happening and he urged me to go home. He said, “Just come home. If something happens, they will call us back… come home.”
I was a little surprised my husband would tell me to leave. How can I leave right now?!?! I can’t walk away from our son. This might be the last time I ever see him alive. I can not walk away.
I walked back into my sons room and a flurry of nurses and doctors were still hovering around my son. It took everything in me to NOT cry hysterically. That’s all I wanted to do…. cry. I turned around and walked towards the window of the room. It felt like I was walking and thinking in slow motion while everything around me was buzzing quickly past. I could no longer hear anything but echoes of alarms and people talking.
At some point I was back in that stool across the room. I remember looking towards the window and seeing a prayer on the wall.
God gives us the strength we need in this moment
I closed my eyes and said this to myself, under my breathe, over and over again. Then the Lord stepped in and spoke to me. For the first time in my life I heard His voice.
He said, “Let go.”
I remember turning around to see who was behind me, but no one was there. But I heard a voice, clear and stern like a real person was standing behind me giving me directions.
I remember thinking… I can’t leave.
And I had this urge to turn around… so I can see what I needed to see. I needed to see my son. I needed to see that he was in perfect hands. When I turned around… I saw that he was….
There was a photo I saw once (somewhere) and it was a photo of angels, shoulder to shoulder, in a circle, hovering over a praying boy. All the angels had their heads bowed and they were praying and protecting this boy, like a shield around him.
When I turned around and looked at Matthew’s bed, THAT is what I saw. The nurses seemingly transformed into angels. A few angels were standing over Matthew praying. One or two were whizzing around his bed, still working on him. I was in awe. It was one of THE most beautiful moment of my life. The fear, the worry, the hurt I was feeling was gone.
I WAS IN AWE….
Angels were hovering over my son…..
I haven’t told many people, but Matthew has an angel of his own. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew there was a boy in my belly. And it was then that I knew the Lord had sent him someone to watch over him. And on this night, his angel showed himself to me. As I was looking over at my son, he lifted his head as he stood in the corner. He was standing behind the other angels that were hovering over Matthew. We made eye contact and suddenly, in my heart, I knew. Matthew was going to be taken care of. Matthew was covered. And it was time for me to let him go.
Then I heard His voice again. He simply said, “Go.”
Once I realized this, it was like the slow motion in time came to a sudden end. And suddenly the room was loud, and fast and the chaos was once again present. I finally caught my breathe I had been holding. And I told the nurse practitioner in charge, “I have to go.”
She gave me a quick hug and said that they will call us if they needed us or if something changes. I maneuvered around the nurses and picked up my purse. I softly touched his toes through the crib and looked up at his angel. I had to walk away. It was His time now. It was God’s time. It was the greatest moment of trust in God I had ever had to give. I knew and believed that the Lord had my son in His Hands. And I had to finally walk away to let Him do His work…..