2018

Jesus Wept.

In John 11, The death of Lazarus is told. Lazarus was Mary and Martha’s brother who had fallen very sick. Lazarus died and Jesus went to him days after he had already been dead. Mary and Martha were mourning his death and had been sobbing upon Jesus’ arrival.

John 11:32-33 says: (32)”Then, when Mary came where Jesus was, and saw Him, she fell down at His feet saying to Him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’

(33)”Therefore when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in spirit and was troubled.”

John 11:35 : Jesus Wept.

**

At church on Sunday I had a moment with Jesus. Our Pastor preached an amazing sermon about Rising and walking… Moving forward. He said, “GET UP!!! How long is too long??? Take your limits off God!!”

John 5:8: Rise, take up your bed and walk. (Talking about the sick man who had been crippled for 38 years. This man came to where Jesus was going to be because he had seen the miracles that Jesus’ has done for other people. So he wanted his miracle.)

For the last few months I have wanted so desperately to move on and move forward with my life. I have always known my place. I have always known that I was going to be “part of something great!” Those were the words that God gave me many many years ago when I was 14. It was the first time I had ever had a moment with Jesus at the altar. The first thing He said to me was, “You are going to be part of something Great!”

I was young and naïve and didn’t really understand what that meant. Although I always kept those words near and dear to my heart, I never fully understood what it meant. I always knew that I had to do good and be a good person for Jesus. I knew He was always watching me so I had to always make good choices in life. I was FAR FROM PERFECT and I made really stupid choices most of the time in my life. I mean, everything you hear about preachers kids is mostly true. We are often stupid kids. So don’t think for one second I tried to be perfect. I rebelled with the best of them. But deep down inside I always knew I was going to be a part of something great.

So when things started happening when I was pregnant and I found out something was wrong with my son, the VERY FIRST THOUGHT that came to my mind was, “This is it! This is the great thing I am going to be a part of!” I think that is why my first instinct was to fight. I think that is why I was so adamant on doctors saving my son. Yes, there were many days that the only measure of faith I had was as small as that mustard seed. But I still had faith!! I NEVER lost my faith!

After four years of this life… my son was well. He was becoming more and more whole and healthy.  My life was already set. We had overcome so much already but…. why wasn’t I feeling better?? Why was I still so miserable?? Why wasn’t MY life all better??

I had never asked the question WHY before this. Why did God do this? Why did this happen?? Why me? Why my son? I KNEW why!!! Because this was THE GREAT! But at this time I was exhausted. I was tired. And since I didn’t have to spend 95% of my time at the hospital with my son, I suddenly had a lot of time to sit and think. It was then that I feel I fell into a deep pain that I didn’t want to fall into. I had been so distracted and so busy with my son and my kids… I never had a chance to FEEL!! And finally here I was… feeling. Feeling pain, sadness, and exhaustion. I was extremely exhausted. It felt  like I was losing myself in exhaustion. And then I asked…. “Lord, how much longer is this going to go on?? How much more do I have to endure?”

I dove in His word and tried looking for answers. I found myself feeling more and more resentful as I was trying to “heal“. I had no idea that THAT is what I was feeling toward God… resentment.

I would tell people that it was okay to be angry… but don’t live there. Don’t let the anger consume you… and here I was… consumed in resentment…. for God!!! I felt like THIS WAS LONG ENOUGH LORD!!!!! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!! Have mercy on me and stop this already!!!!

After a while I knew this was the ONE THING that was holding me back from moving on. I asked for forgiveness over and over and over again. I knew I was the only one holding myself back. Then I just couldn’t forgive myself and I was ashamed. How dare I get mad at God. How dare I resent Him. The miracles He gave me and blessed us with… always here and always providing for us. And here I was…. mad because I was tired and over it!!

I had been asking the Lord for the past few weeks to help me just get over this. Guide me to where I need to be to move on. Finally!!! I just want to move on. I want to enjoy my kids!! I want to enjoy my life!! I want to finally move into the position that I am supposed to be in. what do I need to do to move on????

Then yesterday happened. Sunday September 16, 2018. My moment with Jesus. I was crying (total ugly cry with boogers all over the place) and asking God to help me move on!! For once and for all… please help me move on. I want this so bad. This life that I am supposed to live. This place where I am supposed to be. I have done everything that He has asked of me. I want to GET UP!! I want to RISE!!! I want to WALK!!!

And suddenly the Lord came to me… I had fallen to His feet and was praying to get the strength to GET UP!!  He kneeled down in front of me. He placed His hands on my face. I felt the Lord mourning with me. Hurting with me. I felt His compassion He had for me. He was feeling my pain and my exhaustion. And He said… in simple words, “I’m sorry you had to go through this. But you had to go through all of this to get to where you’re going.”

And He stood. And suddenly my mind was clear. For the first time in a long time…. I understood. I really really understood. And then Pastor’s sermon made so much sense to me. It all fell into place. I suddenly saw my life in a movie… everything that has happened to me suddenly turned into a slide show. Slide after slide of key moments in my life were being moved and placed in order of where they were meant to always be. My life made sense. My pain made sense. My circumstances and troubles and seasons all made sense. Deep down I always knew but finally… I understood. And I saw Him work. Just like that… IT ALL FELL INTO PLACE. And it was an amazing feeling.

Understanding…. I got it.

I felt like I had been in His Presence for so long. It felt so beautiful. I felt so free. I finally felt so light. I felt better. I felt like … finally… the breakthrough I had been praying for. The ONE THING I needed to move on and to move forward into my place. And once I felt that… I saw my future. I saw what is to come. I saw, clear as day, all that I needed to do. I saw what was going to happen. I saw all that I was going to go through again. Not bad… all good. Because I knew… there was a purpose. Here it is…. Here I am… And then I thought… let the fun begin. Life fell into place….

**

So here I AM…

SHARING HIS WORD…

SHARING HIS MIRACLES…

Taking the limits off of God. RISING. WALKING.

Let the fun begin.

XO

 

 

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