2018

It will never get easier

It’s been 4 years and this day has never gotten easier to reminisce about. I remember hearing the alarms going off.. staff rushing in.. the Nurse Practitioner coming straight towards me and sitting me down sternly. The concern on the NICU nurses face.. she was looking at me and shaking her head as if saying, ‘this was not good.’ Seeing doctors and nurses surrounding his bed.. then the quiet peace of God.. looking out the window at the sunset.. then hearing God’s voice.. “Let Go!..”

I’m in shock.. I’m in awe.. I just heard God’s voice. But…. how can a mother let go?? .. “Give him to me..” I heard Him again. Then I looked over at my sons bed and saw angels… Real life angels hovering over his bed.. Staff (as amazing as they were) were hard at work but Matthews angels were taking over.. Jesus was there. HE was in charge.

I could never have imagined that I would be put in this position. To Trust in the Lord with everything in me!! An unimaginable kind of TRUST that I had no idea existed in me…. to literally give it to God… I touched my sons finger that was poking thru the bed rail and I walked away. I didn’t know if this would be the last time I ever saw my son again. I didn’t know what was going to happen that night or the next morning in the days ahead. I knew in my heart that whatever DID happen was His Will and it was His plan for Matthew.

I walked away with a trust so deep and so strong it overpowered me. It took over my soul and my spirit. It took over my mind and my body. Before I knew it I was in my car. I remember crying uncontrollably. I remember talking to God in such a demanding voice that HE WILL MAKE MATTHEW WELL!!! In the Name of Jesus… Matthew WILL be well!! I spoke in Spirit with Jesus as I drove the hour and a half home. I cried and prayed the whole way home.

Before I knew it, I was home. My husband met me at the door. I stood in shock but also in relief that I was home and I finally wasn’t alone. He hugged me so tight.

“The hospital hasn’t called us yet!! If something had happened, they would have called by now.”

God was working His miracles.

The days to follow this night were a true miracle. I will never forget any of these moments. These days, as good and as bad as they were, they are engraved in my memory. I never shared any of these details with anyone publicly until 2016. I suppose I still couldn’t believe that everything happened the way it did. But here we are, year after year… alive. For three years my son fought to survive… this year… four years later … he is living!!!!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

 

XO

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