Remove the mask… live your true self… someone told me this and I just had to write about it. Because…. this is how I have been living my life. With a mask on. A smiley mask that makes me look like I am just getting through it all with a great attitude, no worry and no stress. A mask that makes me look so strong and brave and courageous.
But the truth is…. I’m not. At least… I don’t feel like I am. And it is time that I take off this mask and show the world who I really am. Because I have had ENOUGH!! It’s time to move forward and LIVE.
Back in April when, on the first day I LITERALLY had NOTHING to do… no doctors appointment,,, no hospital.. no dialysis… no nothing.. I had time to sit and drink coffee and just do whatever I wanted… I remember I sat up late the night before contemplating all of the NOTHING I was going to do. Maybe sleep… maybe eat… maybe watch tv… or how about Netflix and Chill… that’s a thing, I can do that!! I fell asleep and I tossed and turned. I woke up every couple of hours because that is just what my body does. I’m not content with sleeping through 8 hours. I am used to waking up every 3 hours for some sort of medication, hydration, vitals check or diaper change…
But then I woke up early the next morning… the kids had spring break so no one was up early. Everyone was still asleep, even the babies. And I quietly made my coffee and I turned on the tv to watch whatever normal people watch in the morning. When my coffee was done I sat down on the couch and realized how quiet the house was.
And I thought back… 630ish… I would have already left for the hospital for dialysis and be almost there already. Or on non-dialysis days I would be waking the kids up to get ready for school. And then I started thinking back to what I did at this time before the twins were born… before I got back together with my husband… before I was married…. before I had kids… before I even moved out to where we live now. I thought back to my hopes and dreams and plans I had….
And then…. I cried. I cried because for the first time in my life.. I felt lost. I had always been independent and a hard working boss babe. Even when my son got sick, I had a purpose. But when he was well, it hit me all at once. I had no job… I had no home (we had come under severe financial troubles because I had quit my job and medical bills were just through the roof-so we lost our home. ) I no longer had to take care of my son 24/7.. I had no career… I had no purpose!! And when I finally looked in the mirror… I HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS LOOKING AT!!! The reflection in the mirror had changed so much over 4 years. I was about 40 pounds over my normal weight. I dressed soooo badly lol… yoga pants and tshirts was all I wore. Who needs to dress up for the hospital?! And I had started sprouting grey hairs. It was so weird.. but I can actually FEEL grey hairs coming out of my head when I was under crazy severe stress.
Four years of my life felt like a lifetime. Every kind of emotion a human being can feel, I felt it. I went through it. But it wasn’t only me… my kids went through it. My family went through it. My friends who stuck around went through it with us as well. A lot of loss but so many more blessings. And now I just want to find myself again. I want to go back to being in the gym again. I want to go back to being confident in my own skin. I want to go back to being strong and fun and social again…
GOD’S GOT ME!! He told me the other day, by way of my Pastor… ENOUGH!! Enough is enough is ENOUGH and its time to move forward. I don’t have to move on and forget about my past. I just have to FINALLY move forward!!
Write this blog. Share His miracles. Get back to the gym. Finish this darn book! Release it and GO!! He said HE will make a way… I just have to move forward. And so here we are… I was blessed to meet a personal trainer at our local gym who is going to train me through a scholarship program. THATS RIGHT!!! A personal trainer for free to GET MY PHYSICAL LIFE BACK!!!! I am so excited!! THIS is what I needed and THIS is what HE PROMISED!! He will make a way!! I just have to SAY YES AND MOVE FORWARD!!
I will one day be able to look in the mirror and recognize the reflection.
Here I am Lord… I’m back…