2018

How did He allow this?

I’m reading the book by Lysa Terkeurst called It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way   and literally FOUR pages into this book has already given me such validation and hope. She talks about the disappointments that we go through in life and how sometimes, when going through some of the hardest and most difficult and most cruelest times in ones life, we question God. Not just “Why are we going through this“, but “How can you let me go through this? How can you allow this to happen to me?

I remember about three years ago, I got to a point in my life where I asked God, “How did you allow this to happen?” This is something that I’ve never written about. I’ve never talked about it because it’s something that I’ve been having to deal with on my own… in my secret little bubble of mine. No one ever enters it. I never allow anyone to come in. I keep the shades drawn and the bubble is dark. No visitors allowed. Because once you come inside my bubble, you would be begging to leave.

If you read Lysa’s book, I can tell you this… I have been going through exactly what she went through. Her experience… her life… the road that she was placed on… the feelings, the emotions, the pain, the disappointment; I’ve felt that personally. I’ve gone through that. I AM going through it.

So, when I heard that this book was coming out, I needed to get it. I needed to read this book. I needed to read how someone like Lysa can go through exactly what I was going through and come out victoriously. Come out whole. Come out sane and safe and at peace. I wanted to see how she can still keep trusting in God’s Plan. Especially after seeing how He “allowed” this all to happen to her.

For me, this last year and a half was a fight within my self, the fight with trusting in God’s true plan for me and my family. I feel like I have been battling with what His outcome has become for me because, just like this book is titled, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way… my life is not supposed to be this way.

I’ve always known that I would be victorious, In Jesus Name. I knew this when He told me, “You will be part of something great!

But the victory, the outcome… it did not look like what I thought it would. I thought going through my sons journey was going to be the hardest thing I had to deal with. I thought seeing my son suffer was going to be the number one, absolute worst thing that I could feel. I thought that was my trial. I thought that was my VICTORY. My testimony. But when I found out about other things that God had planned for me, I learned that He just was not done with me yet. I learned that my drastically changed life can change even more drastically. It will change in ways that I never knew it could turn. So much so that I felt like I lost who I was. I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore.

I have to take the time to read through Lysa’s book. I am so excited to through each page. So far I am on page 9 and what I have underlines, highlighted and written notes on makes my brand new book look like study guide. True story.

This new road the Lord has me on has been a real learning experience for me. I knew my life would forever be different from the day we found out about our son. But I had no idea the Lord was going to create unimaginable miracles out of every aspect of my life. I didn’t know that to get these miracles, the pain was going to be sharp and deep and feel like there is no way to recover from this. But my God makes beauty out of ashes.

Sometimes to get your life back, you have to face the death of what you thought your life would look like.” –Lysa Terkeurst  – from “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way pg.7

~Blessings

xo

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