About 6 years ago, I asked God to use me. I prayed that He would take hold of my life and move me in the right direction. I prayed that I would be put on a path that would give God His Glory! That would or could help change lives! That I could help someone in some way… please use me, Lord!!!
On the day that we received my sons diagnosis… I knew this was it. This was going to be the thing that is going to launch me to where God has planned for me to go. This was going to be a miracle. This was it!!!
And I was up for the fight. I knew my baby was strong and I knew that I was strong enough to handle it too!! I had enough faith, I had enough strength, I had enough hope and I believed and trusted in God that this was it!!
What I didn’t know… and what I never took into consideration… was how much this would change my life. I had no idea how much I would lose. I had no idea that LIFE would pass right on by while my family and I were struggling to just breathe.
There were a few times in the last few years that I would delete my social media accounts and try my best to disappear. I had to run into the wilderness and try to just get through it.
If you’ve ever been in the wilderness, you know it was a dark place. A place we went to because we didn’t want anyone to see the pain on our faces. We didn’t want people to see us weak. Sitting in the darkness gave us strength for when we needed to step into the light.
But little did we pay attention to life passing us by.
For me… my kids grew up. My friends got married. Friends had babies. Family members passed away. Work… church… all moved on without me.
And now here I am…
I wonder a lot of times if God will replace all that I lost. I mean… I know our blessings will come in His time… but will I feel whole again? Will I ever feel accomplished again? Will I ever feel like I am a part of something again?
I can’t help but feel a little envious at friends from work and church living their best life. Getting promoted… getting their own businesses… enjoying birthday parties and weddings and babies…
I can’t help but wonder… if I’ll ever get that part of my life back. And if so… when?
Moms like me know that life passes us by. We know that this is a very special life we live. We have been chosen. We are particularly favored. And we are grateful. So very very grateful!!
But I still wish to have my friends back. I miss my job. I miss being a part of my church.
I know that life will never be the same…
…our old life has passed us by.