For years, I HAD to be in this isolation. My own little bubble. I relied on my faith to get me through the fight I was battling. For years, life felt like it was a battle of faith against reality. Reality was beating me down. It was mean. It was excruciatingly painful. It was annoying. It was torture. It was exhausting.
But God… I had my faith. My faith was my strength. My faith was a lap to cry in. It was a sweet sound when the world was so loud and noisy. It was my cushion when I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was my pain relief. It was my oxygen. It was my peace. My joy. My comfort.
So as I was in my little bubble, trying my best to just close my eyes, tune out the noise banging on my bubble, and just trying to breathe and trust in God to get me through this moment… (every moment, every day!!!) … I missed phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages. I turned the whole world off. I could see your face, all the faces of all my friends, but i was too busy tuning out the world, I couldnt hear YOU, my friend. And for that, I DO apologize. I AM so sorry. But I HAD to DO THIS. I hope you dont take my absence personal…
I HAD to just breathe and keep my faith. I couldn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t look to anyone. I ran to Jesus and I never let go of Him. I couldn’t. Because on days when I just couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t get up, I couldnt move and I just didn’t want to live anymore… HE had me. No one else. No one else KNEW what was going on. No one knew what was happening. I rarely complained or whined. And unless you were following my blog, you wouldn’t understand the battle I was fighting.
For a long time, I have felt so left out of the world. Never invited. Never asked to join. But I would deny it to save myself the pity. Text messages were no longer being forwarded. And I understand why!! I REALLY dont blame anyone. I shut everyone out while I was in my bubble. I did that!!! But when this movie night was being planned, like so many other events, I was completely forgotten. It was a sad reality check for me.
At first, I was taking it personal. I would come onto social media and it felt like a little sting. It was a sucky feeling. I used to be real social and active and bubbly and fun. And now…. now I’m not a thought to anyone. And in the world, I am just a line on someone’s Facebook feed. And that’s okay… I dont take it personal. That’s just life. They moved on. You moved on… and I finally took a breath!!
I dont regret what I had to do. I was LIVING in the midst of a miracle. I had to LIVE in the wilderness…. FOR YEARS!!! I picked moments when I would emerge. Oftentimes I would regret those times later because Matthew would get sick. But, i felt like…at least I tried.
The world wasn’t for me. It still isn’t. I cried at Jesus’ feet. I was held in His hands. I heard His voice over the loud and scary world. He showed me visions of what was going to happen. He told me things I needed to share with certain people. The documentary, the photo shoots, news articles… God did that!! It was in HIS plan all along!! I was chosen!!!
The “old me” is just a memory. That wasn’t who I really was. That’s not who I am supposed to be. The dreams i wished for… the hopes i had… the goals i made… all of that was thrown out the window. And a new slate was personalized just for me. Because God had other plans for me.
The “new me” is still trying to emerge. I’m still learning. I’m rustling through the chaos. Trying to figure out where I’m headed to. I’m moving forward through this light tho. I’m walking tall and confident in His plan. I dont know what it is but… HE is making things happen for me that I had no intention of ever being a part of. He is introducing me to people I had no idea existed. He is directing MY life.
Yeah, I’m still in my bubble, but my eyes are open now. I can finally SEE you, friend. I want to hear YOU. Its just been disheartening to realize, not many are still there. They care, I’m sure. But I stopped walking with the world a long time ago. This is a new life I am living. And I know not everyone is supposed to join me on this journey. But I hope you know, friend, that I love you and I miss you.
I pray you dont take my absence personal… and I wont take the missing invitation personal either.