2019

getting through the miracle

“There are medical miracles. Being worshippers of the altar of science, we don’t like to believe miracles exist. But they do. Things happen. We can’t explain them, we can’t control them, but they do happen. Miracles do happen in medicine. They happen everyday, just not always when we need them to happen. At the end of a day like this, a day when so many prayers are answered and so many aren’t, we take our miracles where we find them. We reach across the gap and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic, we touch.” – Meredith Grey. Greys Anatomy -Season 3: Episode 17.

Greys Anatomy is one of my favorite shows EVER!! I have watched every single episode at least twice. So many seasons and episodes that LITERALLY mirrored my life. From dating, to marriage, to NICU baby, and kidney transplants… my life was on screen.

At the beginning and end of each episode, there is usually a monologue of some sort. And the other day I read this one. About Medical Miracles. And it resonated with me.

I can only imagine what our doctors must have felt like when dealing with Matthew. All signs pointed to the FACTS that he was just not going to survive this. Not many… or any… baby survives this kind of diagnosis. There is a reason why it is called a “terminal diagnosis”. Because science and biology had shown them that that is usually how a case like that ends. Terminally.

But God.

Matthew is a little boy that was created for greatness. Callia was created, not as an extra, but as an important part on the formation of His miracle.

I have to remind everyone that the Lord first spoke to me when I was 14 years old. He said, “You are going to be a part of something great!” And then that was it. That was all He said to me. I was only 14 years old. So I kind of took it with a grain of salt. I was like, “coolness.” and moved on.

But as I grew as an adult, and as I grew closer to Him, I took His words more and more personal. I always had it in me that He was watching me. I always kind of knew I had to be “good” for Him. And dont get me wrong, I made my share of stupid mistakes in life. I said some really dumb things. I even thought I was going to go to hell once. lol…. for reals. But…. I was young and I was dumb. And my husband will tell you, I was very nieve when he first met me at 19 years old. I had been “church-sheltered” all my life. And it wasn’t until I was about 21 years old that I really got a glimpse of the cruel world. But I stayed steady in His word because I knew He was still protecting me. No matter what the circumstance, He was still there. I always felt like He was just waiting for me…

So when we were faced with this dilemma, my son facing an IMPOSSIBLE mountain to climb, I quickly realized that THIS was the miracle I was going to be a part of. THIS was it. And I knew, instantly, that I had to tell everyone about it. Except, one problem… I am a very private person.

I do not let the world into my little bubble of life. I hate people knowing about me or what I am doing. I do not like people seeing where I am in life. I do not like people knowing what is going on in my life and I do not like people’s pity. I hate it. Absolutely hate it.

So knowing that I had to be vocal and transparent during this journey, I struggled with it. And I think because I struggled with it, the journey was much harder than it needed to be. I really believe that I made it harder on myself. I isolated myself from the world. I tucked myself in the wilderness so I can deal and yell and cry and be angry. I needed to do this privately. I needed to get through this with just God Himself. I couldn’t afford to hear or see the negative. And I couldn’t afford someone close to me tell “maybe its time to let him go”. NO! Just let me get through this… by myself.

But I have realized now that I need to share Gods miracle. I wish I hadnt been so private before. I wish I would have just been vulnerable and open and transparent. There are so many other families and moms that are NOW going through the same thing. And they need to see that if I can get through it, so can they!! I only knew of two moms who went through exactly what we did. ONLY TWO! No other moms had babies that survived. No other moms that I could find, at the time, on social media. Nowhere.

Plus, I needed to give God His glory along the way. YES… we were going through a lot of bad news and a lot of hard times. But every time there was a setback, there was a launch. There was an amazing thing that happened. And a lot of time I was still so shook from the bad, that it was hard to celebrate the good. I mean… I tried. I really did. But man… it was hard.

It is still hard to celebrate outloud. Because it always feels like, as soon as I allow myself to get happy or excited or I relax about life… something ALWAYS happens. It never fails. Even now, two years post transplant… something WILL happen. So I am constantly waiting. I am constantly just watching and observing. I am prepared and ready for whatever will or can come my way…. and I hate it.

….But God.

HE has the miracle. HE got me through it. HE is who I do this for. HE is why I wont ever give up. He deserves all the Glory I can give Him. I pray every day that what I do is enough.

xo

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