Five years ago we were staring at these little creatures with tubes all over them… machines living for them. Alarms going off every few minutes. A whole new world we never knew existed.
Photo #1- Matthew Cross Photo #2- Callia Faith
I have never shared these photos before. There are so many photos that I have never shared. I wish I did. I wish I shared more. I wish I had been strong enough to show you all what exactly we were seeing and feeling and going through on a daily basis.
But I did my best to show you all the best of our days during the hardest and darkest days of our lives why?? I don’t know… I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. So I kept the hard things to myself. And even now…. I keep it to myself.
I have so many blog posts that I don’t share because it’s too personal. But I find it necessary because there are so many moms like me that are feeling alone and isolated and are still recovering from their trauma. I used to be embarrassed to say but… now I realize it’s real. And I’m not alone.
I am still healing. I am still recovering. I still get flashbacks that stop me in my tracks of whatever I am doing. I can still feel the sharp stabbing pain in my heart. I still get dizzy when I think about all that this baby boy had to endure. The mom guilt is real. The anxiety is real. The emotions are real. You can detach yourself for so long, but eventually you need to get through them to get past them.
Yes, my kids are healthy. They’re alive. They’re happy. But the five year battle against death takes its toll on even the strongest soldier.
God knows where I am at. He knows where my heart is. And He knows what I need and where I need to be to continue His work of sharing His miracle. All In can do is continue to pray for the strength to get through it…